QUIS LEGET HAEC

Sunday

A Halloween Story

A dark street with a flickering light. A dark broken down house at the end of a street. Lightning strikes far behind the house revealing a storm brewing in the distance. A dark shadow smoking at the gate to the dark house. A soft wind blowing.
Can there be more?

It had been years since he had been back to that dark corner of the world. He stood, motionless, as he glared up at the lonely house at the end of the street. It always seemed like it was the far reaches of the world where no one could get there. He stepped on to the first step and took a deep breath and took another, each seeming that more intense and bewildering. He remembered the past that haunted him. He remembered the tears, the screams, the agony of having to live there and then having to leave. It was still now. Not like it used to be, only more chilling.

He tried looking in through the first floor windows but the boards and the darkness within made it difficult. Then, there was motion. His first instinct was to pull away from the window but then he thought it to be nothing more than shadows and his imagination. He smirked and flicked his finished cigarette down into the brown grass and dirt and proceeded to walk to the opossite side of the old grey house. He noticed his footsteps as he creeked the old boards beneathe him and the whining wind as it passed through broken glass on the top two floors, or at least he told himself it was the wind. Suddenly, as he passed the front door, the door began to bang and thrash, and the door nob began to twist and turn as if there was someone within trying to get out. He leaped back and yelled, "Hello? Who's there?"
No answer.
He yelled again, "Who's there?"
No answer still, but the door stopped its motions.
He walked up to the door and tried to open it but found it to be locked, to his utter relief.

He stood at the door for a while and smiled. He thought it nothing more than his eyes playing tricks on him or at least the wind, but the wind had died down. His smile went away slowly as the wind began to subside. A loud clap of thunder joistled him from his thoughts and the lightning made him flinch. That's when he saw the shape of a human at the bottom of the stairs. Fear rushed through his body and he tried to run but found that he couldn't. He tried to yell but found no sound he could make. As it began to rain, the figure walked up the stairs with its hands out stretched. All he could do was wait for the inevitable. The inevitable.

He awoke on a bed in a white room. As he called out, a nurse walked in and smiled. She said, "We thought you'd never wake up. How are you feeling?"
"Fine, it's just I don't know where I am."
She laughed and replied, "Well, you were found laying in the middle of the street one night. You were brought to the hospital where you've been a guest for the past week." She looked concerned and asked, "What happened?"
"I don't recall. Last thing I remember is being at my old house where I grew up as a kid."
The nurse smiled again and asked, "Around here?"
He brushed his long hair back and replied, "Yeah, at the end of 13th Street."
The nurse dropped the needle she was trying to insert into his I.V. sack and gasped. She asked, "The old three story victorian!?"
He smiled and replied, "Yeah, you know of it?"
The nurse gave him half a smile and rushed out.

As he was raising up from the bed, two security guards ran in, weapons drawn, and told him to stop what he was doing. He stopped, amazed at what was happening, and asked, "What's wrong?"
One of the security guards replied, "That house burned down twenty years ago. I know because my best friend lived there."
He looked closer at the guard and said, "Jack?"
The guard lowered his weapon and slid closer to the man on the bed and answered, "Yeah, who are you though?"
"It's me, Jack. Tom."
Jack returned to his original position and said, "That's impossible. I saw them pull your body out of the house. Everyone was accounted for."
Tom looked up at Jack and said, "I'm right here!", and as he raised to his feet he burst into flames. The nurse and the two guards rushed out of the room with Tom's screaches and cries far behind them.
Jack grabbed a fire extinguisher from the wall and as he ran back to the room, there was no fire. The room was clean as if there had been no one there at all.

Jack went home after sitting down with the nurse and his partner and making a pact that the nights incident would not go beyond them. He began to think of the night at the old house. He remembered being there with Tom and how they began to play with a match box. Jack remembered setting an old newspaper on fire and watching it burn. He even remembered watching Tom trying to put it out, to no avail. He remembered the confusion later as the ambulances and fire trucks pulled up and tried to stop the blaze. As he pulled into his drive way, he looked into his rear view mirror and caught Tom just before he touched his arm...

Saturday

So, yesterday while I was at work, Reference Librarian Boss lady said that her boyfriend calls the Budweiser factory at 610 and I-10, MECCA. It was good for a laugh. I would think the guy one of us Mexicans if I hadn't already met him.
When I got to work yesterday, she had told me to straighten out the newspaper hanging folders because people had been coming in and photocopying the B section of the "Chronicle". I had to sort the newspapers, one by one, and make sure that the sections were in order. She also told me to shelve a whole cart of books about 10 minutes before 6:00pm. Want to know what time we closed the library yesterday? 6:00pm. Out of the time I spent there, she had to wait till the last possible moment. Anyway, that's not the bullsh*t part. I had finished at about 5:59pm, so when I walked out to the lobby area, I was thinking maybe she atleast would have shut down all the computers, since she was in the lobby area with her boyfriend. I had to run around, shutting down all the computers and filling the printers with paper.
Anyway, I know it's my job and it's probably the easiest job I'll ever have but employee misalocation is a bad habit. She had me annotating a book the whole time I was there. I actually started to fall asleep. I took a ten minute break and played some online games. Now that I read over this whole blog, I'm b*tching for no apparent reason. What can I say, I'm a lazy bastard!

Thursday

Last night was a Luna Eclipse or as we say in Spanish, "La Luna Negra". Anyway, I don't know but in some traditions, "la luna negra" is a bad omen. Weirder still, the elections are not that far away. Bad sign or what? All that's missing is a comet and we'd be in deep sh*t. Thank goodness that we're not ancient Greeks or Romans or something.

Anyway, I went to vote today. I walked in, showed my ID and walked into a booth. I like the paper ones from the past. These computer ones are too easy to manipulate. Someone can just break the firewalls and encryptions and we have a different President than what we expect. Anyway, that's my thoughts on that.

Do you know that it's freaking hot out. I remember a time when we actually had to wear sweaters during Halloween. I'm still wearing shorts. Anyway, there was some assh*le radio person a couple of years ago treat this one guy like some moron idiot because the guy had made the comment that the summers were getting longer and the winters were getting shorter. I bet that dumba*s radio personality is eating his words now. When he degraded the guy for what he said, my first thought was that he was paid off by the government. That's my thoughts on the weather.

Wednesday

HEY!!! Look who's back!! AMANDUH HUG & KISS!!! Yeahhhhhh!!!

I'm at Cafe Artiste. I've ordered a hamburger and I'm sitting outside, waiting for my burger. The book sale is on at school. I had to wear a money aprain thingy to sell books. I should have raised the prices a little and gained some profit for myself, but alas, I couldn't because I'm too moral. I'm waiting for class. Nothing drastically important today. Then again, it's only 10:49am. Matt was informed by Dr. "Middle Ages" that he wasn't signed into the London Chaucer class. I think he's already gone to sign in.
Well. that's all the news for today. Back to you, Bob...

Monday

Where to begin.
Neewollah was great! many costumes[I love the Marines!]. Anyway, I wore my PT's with my jungle boots, Em-J was a blonde A-ton girl, David was a one-eyed pirate with no socks, Andy was Andy, Ross was a liquidator (I think) and Andres was dressed in black (also, I think). It was fun. Laughs were had and enjoyment was experienced.
Afterwards, Ross, Andres and I went to Griff's for some more alcoholic high-jinks. I was too tired to head to the after party party. I drove home.

I had family in town this weekend. I also had Soleil over. She's crawling!!!! She's my 4-wheeler. Anyway, she's like a wind-up toy --> I put her on the floor and she takes off. It's cool. Also, when we blow in her face, she blows back. She looks like a little old lady. Mom spent all of Saturday running after her. I spent the "rainy" day helping Andy move. I got free pizza at the end. Actually, all I was was supervisor. I made sure people lifted with their legs and not their backs.

My sister and brother-in-law came to town for a family surprise birthday party. They brought their damn dog. That thing gets on my nerves. Actually, I find that all chiguagua's in general get on my nerves. Dogs are nto supposed to be that small. It's scary, like Satanic scary. Anyway, while mom, satan (sis) and brother-in-law went to the party, I stayed home with Soleil and worked on my outline. I didn't actually start working on it till about 11pm and even then, I fell asleep before I could get anything read.
My sister told me something odd. She taught at this school in S.A. and she showed my picture to a co-worker and that the co-worker said that I had an old soul. I always felt that I had one but for someone else to see it. ODD.
Anyway, class now, bye.

PS -- I wrote this "Letter to the Editor" because of an online article I had read in the Cauldron. Anyway, Matt told me that it had been published in the Cauldron's lattest issue. Ross told me that he had read it and that he loved the way I told the girl off. Supposedly, everyone likes it. I thought that all the pro-lifers were going to stone me to death. I read it and I realize that who ever edited my work made it sound so much better. I was impressed. Anyway, that's all.

Friday

I'm trying this new thing. When ever I'm writing about something that doesn't pertain to my day but is something that I've been thinking, I'll use the title, "Hoc meus veritas est" and I'll end it with, "That is my truth". That way you know that you don't have to read that part.
Thank you, the Management

Hoc meus veritas est
I tend to evaluate myself on a high standard. Actually, I know that I don't measure up to things. I'm a loser that way. There are a few things that I deem knowable by me. History, to a certain extent, I know. But still I subjugate myself to people that spew better understandings about things. Look, I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, and since I know this, and because of this, I know my weaknesses. That's actually a good thing. The problem is that I don't know all my weaknesses. Along with everything is, these unknown factors are learned. There's no distinctions.

Take questions for example. People tend to think that I know something. I hate to admit it but there are times I feel like the stupidest person in the world. Simple things I can't comprehend. I have to keep reminding myself that there's a reason why I'm in college. It's not a flook. My insecurities don't stop there. There are many more.

I don't know if subjecting myself to "higher-up's" is some Army (ROTC)residual teaching or Mexican upbringing, but it tends to make me the underdog. The problem is that I like being the underdog. I love having to fight myself out of things even if it's the hard way. You don't know what I know and what I'm capable of. Supposedly, I've been told that I do more before 7:00am than most people. That was a while ago. Now, I'm just trying to survive a world I find strange. I have this feeling that there's something out there where I'm supposed to be; something I'm supposed to be doing. But something else tells me to bide my time because it's not my time.

Another thing, I tend to stutter when I'm nervous or unsure of myself. I've noticed that I do that a lot now. I think faster than my mouth can interpret. I just hope it's that simple. I really don't know the last time I didn't do it. It's been to long.

I tend to jump into the fray of things; head first. Anyway, I like spontaneity, but I hate disorder. The problem is that when I'm asked for help, I'm afraid of giving the wrong answer. It's not the wrong answer but the fact that the person asking the question will have to answer for it later. I hate feeling that a person will have to answer for my f*ck up. I do things that get me in trouble and that's fine. I can deal. But when someone else has to explain my answer, they shouldn't have to do that. If I've ever given you a wrong answer, let me know. I want to learn, not to be right, but to gain some knowledge. I love being wrong to.
That is my truth

Wednesday

Houston --> 4
St. Louis --> 6
Sorry guys. There's always tomorrow's game. I can't beleive I actually kept up with the game online.

I'm actually in Irish History class and the Professor is talking about the Treaty. We've already covered De Valera and how he went against the IRA because he needed to keep international affairs from being affected by them. He was part of the group before, but then he becomes Grand Hum-Bub, and he knows better. Anyway, I still have 38 minutes in class. I just want to be at home.
Oh, wait! We're talking about an oath now. Wow, SWITCH [Change over!!!]

Anyway, yesterday was a trip. DLC [-1] has signed up for England. I can't even worry about that right now because I have other things to worry about.

all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy. all work and no play make jesus a dull boy.

redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum-redrum

Monday

It seems that I'm not cut out for a Masters Degree. Who was I kidding? Anyway, I'm in Faces of Totalitarianism and people are taking this whole presentation thing seriously. Why did he assign groups? He should have left it up to the individual. I dislike this pressure from my group[or should I say from one person inparticular]. Anyway,I was so invovled in my presentations and papers and book reviews that I completely shined over the two research papers I have to write for this freaking class. Nov. 15th!!!! I'm tired!!!!

So what happened this morning? Well, several things. One, Matt, Andres and I spent a couple of hours at Starbuck's to do some work. Two, I figured out that I was researching Milosevic when I was supposed to be researching Franco. Three, I get home and I'm tired. Since I was tired and sleepy, as I looked for the remote to my television, I may have inadvertently thrown my laptop on the floor. When I got on campus and as I was about to write in my blog, the screen was broken. DO you know what that feels like? Some one might. Anyway, I'm writing in laptop #2. All I did was switch hard drives.

I did something else today that I'm actually feeling bad about. I'm even tempted to look up the number and ask if there's a way to send them a check. I'm not a child anymore. I shouldn't do things like that because then others will use me as an example and I'm screwed.

Hey look, they're putting up halloween decorations on the mall. Hey look, Andres is asleep in the seat next to mine. I think I'll get some sleep before I have to attend Faces of Totalitarianism class.

I LOVE INTERCHANGABLE PARTS. THANK YOU MR. FORD!!!!

Sunday

I think circ. boss lady is getting tired of all my questions. i think she believed that I knew all of what needed to be done back here, only to find out that I actually don't know. She's too kind to say anything about it though. Anyway, I have three hours to go and I'm already wishing I was somewhere else.

***They looked into my eyes and pleaded for guidance. The type that I still needed but seemed to possess. I was a liar! A betrayer! They asked my name but couldn't supply one. I was blind to the worlds vision of me. I couldn't give an answer until I evaluated myself and then I blurted out, "I am he who lives in a shadow and clings to good but is not!" They laughed and I smirked. What they took as a pun, I considered truth and they learned their lesson of me. I couldn't sleep so I walked through dark dreams. I feared at every bending corner until I saw smiles down the way. I could see their small hands crying out to me in joyous glee while they danced and wanted me to join, but all I could do was hide from their glow. I hear that innocence is a virtue, virtue that they possess. Where did mine go?
***I fear the laughter of children. I love the laughter of children. I see into their eyes and that's all I see. I see them, but I feel me. I don't know where I am when I see them but I feel the fear in me. Loathing is so scary, but self-loathing is dangerous, especially when you feel eyes watching all my moves, ready to see my faults. I have many and still haven't gotten used to them. GOD, how a single word would lighten my day, but fear that the word isn't true or falsified by my self wields tears in my eyes and I must bend from the pain. I want justice for me. Send me to a dark place and remove me from the shell. I am a destroyer, a betrayer; all the words you were told to fear, I am he. I fear what I am.
---A HAPPIER SUBJECT---
There were tons and tons of kids on campus today. They were laughing and playing. It was pretty fun to watch and remember what it was like at that age. You never felt tired, always hungry because you were constantly running around, etc. It's good to remember the good old days. It's actually fun.

I'm sorry...

Friday

My desires center on my survival. Not even that, because I've been given some freaky conscious that I feel pain when others don't. So actually, my survival center on the people around me. I feel what others should feel. I suppose it can be a gift, to be able to feel what others should, but at times it weighs heavily on me and I hate the fact that I MAY BE projecting my own feelings. How can a person truly feel what others "should be feeling"? That's insane!

There's one thing I know about this world and that is that it is what it shouldn't be. It could be so much simpler. Then again, it is what it's supposed to be. We are who we are supposed to be, but why? They are who they are supposed to be! I interpret things the way I'm supposed to. They live life the way I want to live. What's the difference? What's the factor that makes us different? Matt was having a discussion about Wittenstein (I say Matt was having the discussion because I am no where near the understanding level that he is no matter how hard Matt tried to help me understand). He said that the way we describe pain is the same way as if we give a group of people small boxes with different things in those boxes and tell them it is a beetle. The group of people are supposed to describe the beetle referring only to what's around the beetle, not what the actual object is that's within the box. Remembering the Wittenstein thing actually made me forget my point. Anyway, if we say that we understand things that are nothing more than vague descriptions of things we are TOLD are things, how can there be true empiricism? How can people really say that through knowledge we can understand? Doesn't that make books and knowledge antiquated? (actually, I just wanted to use the word antiquated in a sentence..) If true knowledge is something other than what we are trying to understand through the use of words and phrases, shouldn't we be looking somewhere else?

Is the word love any different? What does the "idea of love" really refer to? Is there feelings involved in the whole thing? Shit, nothing but questions and no answers! Are these even the right questions to be asking? My thought process is so old. I have a one track mind when others around me tend to view things with a little more objectivity. When it comes to me, well that's obvious, I'm subjective. So, since I'm subjective and my survival centers around the people around me, have I ever truly felt the feelings I say I've felt or has it all been nothing more than an illusion?

Wednesday

Hoc meus veritas est = This is my truth
It took me a while, researching Latin books before I found what I think the correct format for the statement is. If you know better, please leave me a comment.
It seems that I'll be joining Matt and Em-J in England over the winter break. Drinks in Dublin, coffee at a French Cafe, et cetera, et cetera. This is the closest I've come to actually going anywhere, let alone Europe. Au Revoir, US. Bonjoir England. I know that's wrong but hey, who cares.

I'm in Arthurian Legend. Professor is talking about "The Knight of the Cart". As you can tell, I'm actually not paying attention to'em. Anyway, I wish I was somewhere else.

This morning, I noticed that someone had stolen my moms olivara plants. This isn't the first time this has happened but who would steal plants? Anyway, I told reference librarian boss lady this and she said that she had the same thing happen to her, but that she beleives the break in she suffered a week later was related. I'll have to keep my eyes open. I'm scared for my books. I have leather bound books I started to collect, and if I know burglars, they'll trash the place and destroy everything they don't understand; books being among the victims. Anyway, she's put the fear of God in me. I hope it doesn't happen.

For the trip: YEAH...ROAD TRIP!!!!

Monday

I heard a story once that I couldn't get out of my head. It dealt with a man, a boy and a flower. I don't think that I can remember the whole epic, but the jest was that the boy rampaged through the world, killing all the little things because they were smaller than him. He ate everything because it made him feel better and he played too rough because he was bigger than the rest.

One day, the boy ran into the old man and as the old man watched the boys daily excursion, he would simply shake his head in disbelief. He let the boy go about his daily business until finally the boy walked up and asked, "If you dislike what I do, why don't you try to stop me?"
The old man sat on the grass and beckoned the boy to sit with him. As the boy obeyed, he said, "I used to have a son just like you. He cared for none and he loved mischief."
The old man looked around and found moist dirt. He handed it to the boy and continued, "Let this moist dirt represent our world." The old man closed the boys hand over the dirt and smiled. The boy did not get the meaning, so he blew the dirt away and ran off.

The next day the boy returned to his daily dose of mischief and ran into the old man again who simply shuck his head. The boy again asked the old man, "If you dislike what I do, why don't you try to stop me?"
The old man sat down and beckoned the boy to do the same, but this time he plucked fire from a nearby campfire and gave it to the boy and closed his hand over the flame. He said again, "Let this flame represent our world." Again, the boy did not understand the meaning so he stood up and went on his merry way.

On the third day the boy went directly to the old man and harshly asked, "Will you try to stop me this time with your silly Babel, old man?"
The old man sat but this time the boy did not heed the old man's request for him to sit. The old man poured out a drop of water and said, "Let this drop represent the world." The boy ran off and watched flame dance on his hand with no pain.

On the fourth day, the boy returned and whispered, "What shall I learn to day?" The old man plucked air from around him and said, "This air represents our world", and walked away.

The final day was the most beautiful of all the previous days. The sky was blue, the water clear, the grass greener than ever and the animals just a little friendlier. The boy returned and the old man asked, "Are you ready to understand." There came no reply from the boy. The old man laughed and placed his hand on the boys heart and said, "Let this spirit represent our world." The boy shed a tear as he understood what the old man was trying to say.

Like I said, I would not be able to remember the story I heard about the old man and the boy. What I do remember is that before there is life, there must be spirit. Before there is spirit, there must be rain, sunshine, wind and soil, and before we can live, we must first understand our place, as pupils.

Sunday

What can I say about Friday night except that I can't remember. Actually, that's false, and I can remember. I remember DLC enjoying their night. It's been a while since we've done that and aside from Hands-On McCoy, ("I's a feer'n maw!")the night went by pretty simply alcoholicly enjoyable. Don't worry, I was awake. It's just something happened and I tended to take blame upon myself, maybe rightly so. Taking blame seems to happen when I get sloshed. But all in all, I enjoyed myself. I especially liked the Greek Festival. That was pretty fun. The food looked great and the company made it all worth while. We saw Greek folk dancing and we ate Greek food, Texan style. Actually, we sat on the curb and ate; can you call that Texan style? Anyway, food was good, drinks in a car, good, feeling sh*tty in the morning, priceless.

So, what have we learned, boys and girls? That's right! Nothing... And knowing nothing is half the battle. When's the next party? I'm glutton for some more punishment. Yea-haw!!!

Mom asked me about my "money friend". It seems I haven't talked about that person for a while. For those of us who know what I'm talking about, well, I had to come clean to momsie. She gave me that, "Sucks to be you" looks, when I told her. Can you beleive it? My own moms gave me that look. I didn't even know she knew it. Hell, all that was left was for her to pat me on the head and say, "Aahhh, it's Oo-Tay". Ever since the stories started circling, I knew I was never going to see the person again. I guess I was just being an optimist.

Wednesday

I waited for the Sun to go down before I made a move. I waited for my chamber to grow dark and cold before I even decided to open the door leading down the corridor. The door creeked as I slowly opened it and peeked out. No one! No one at all. I felt some comfort in that fact. There would be no witness to my morbidity, my innocence.

I walked down the crowded street and wondered why so many were out, so late. I wanted them gone. I wanted loneliness. But I trekked on. I walked the streets of the city, laughing at all the deceitful masks at my side. I wanted one but I could not make up my mind. So I laughed out load, paying no attention to the glances and the eyes watching me.

I observed the emptiness of my route and my journey.

I waited for the coming dawn as the train rolled by and my soul jumped on.

Monday

http://my.aol.com/news/news_story.psp?type=1&cat=0200&id=2004100414370002058285
http://my.aol.com/news/news_story.psp?type=1&cat=0600&id=2004100420270002072726

I hope you get these two hyperlinks. They are insights into our future. Can we think of globalization at this time? I think we can, but will it come easy or will it be difficult? I want to beleive that SpaceShipOne signifies the beginning of searching the stars for a new mode of thought. I want to think that a unified court signifies an end to mass destruction. There's a lot I want to beleive. There's a lot I want to hope for. I just hope my children won't have to hope for things they should already have. Like I said, I hope you can see the articles.

Sunday

It seems that Andy and Em-J are having difficulties with their comments page. Just in case you didn't know, it seems that it is redirected to a "naughty-naughty" site. I had to investigate, thoroughly. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and that I may not feel like a cat with a sticker on it, but, "sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don't": ) Anyway, that was about it.

You may be wondering about the Latin inscription below my title. #1= It took me a freaking long time to figure out that using <> along with a / jumps texts to the next line. Hey, I'm a novice. What can I say! Anyway again, I figured it out and now I'm happy and can return to writing my paper.

Where has DLC gone? Sounds like a title to a sad poem. You know, getting a Masters degree really is stressful. Don't get me wrong, it's worth the trouble. It's just that there's this process I used when I was an undergrad. That won't apply here. I have to get a 3.0 or above GPA. That means that I have to give all possible effort to all my classes. When I was an undergrad., I could pay less attention to my weakest class and place more attention on the others so they could raise my GPA. I'm stressed because I have to pay equal attention to all my classes and they all require me to read and write A LOT! Em-J, I feel your pain. But I don't seem to have DLC's commitment to a higher education. As you can tell, instead of writing my paper at this very moment, I'm here, b*tching and writing in my blog. Before I cry, I'll get to my paper. It'll probably be a while before I write in this thing again. You know what they say: "Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more...