i forgot to mention a key element of my anxiety: my thesis paper. anyway, friday, i handed it over to my advisor. i'm so scared of what will be said. i think i'm suffering a form of PTSD. i don't even want to see an email with his name in it because i start to hyperventalate. that's not even a word. it's so misspelled.

anyway, just wanted to share that. i'm not even going to bother fixing that misspelling. just work through it.

so as my new job intells, i must do a live 7 minute presentation at the beginning of one of the shows. it's been going well, so far. other than that, i've done nothing with my life that would be considered a change.

i was looking at astrological signs yesterday and i came across this cool site. anyway, according to it, i'm from the fourth house. this house is the house of endings, endings of the physical body or philosophical death. i've always said i've lived way too long. several people have said that i have an old soul. what does that matter anyway...

hypothetically speaking, what if it's the truth? what if i'm living my last life? how should i live it? the only thing that comes to mind is that stupid thing that Emilio Estevez says in the movie, Young Guns. He's telling an anecdote to Keifer Sutherland that goes something like, "There are three men in a saloon playing cards when a man runs in saying that the world is about to end. the first one says that he's going to repent. the second says he's buy all the liquor and whores and going out with a bang. the last man remains seated and says, 'i shall finish the game'".

the site also says that cancers are emotional and overbearing. that much is certain. i have several people that can attest to that. anyway, getting back to this "house of endings" thing, what if one of the last things you do when you reach the end is you experience all the freaking emotions that were ever invented? bashfullness, jealousy, depression, extacy, physical and emotional pain, etc. i've felt all the varying degrees of these emotions. some tend to last longer than others. some, i haven't felt in ages. Huh! i haven't used the word "ages" before i felt what it actually means till now. there's a show here in the planetarium that breaksdown the life of the universe into a day. man has been around for only the last several mili-seconds of the day. i feel so minascule and insignificant. i wish i was doing so many other things right now. one is not sitting here in a small room waiting to smile and say, "tickets please!" that's another issue with Cancer's like me. we always feel that we were meant for something greater. i'm part of something potentially great right now. it just that signs keep saying to have patiences. how long must i wait? good thing is that i'm not the only one asking that question. a future Rice student asked that same question. good luck, Rice student, in your endeavors. what ever they may be...

i can sit here at work and do nothing but think. that's what i hate most about my life. i have a job that gives me the time to sit and think. i'd rather not. i'd rather be doing something productive with my life, but it seems that i just can't. fate! what the fuck is up with my life? i try to be the best i can but instead i let myself get shit on. things weren't going good, but they were bearable. now, i'm so overwhelmed that i don't know what to do anymore. there's no way for me to dig myself out of my mess. beleive me, if there was an easy way out, i'd take it. short of selling my soul.

it seems that so many people are dealing with their own stuff that i don't want to bother them with mine. all i can do is get some comfort here and there until i can satisfy my depression.

this education i got was pointless. look at what i'm doing. i'm doing what high school kids should be doing. i'm pressing fucking buttons and smiling at people who'd careless about my problems. i may be anti-social, just not that anti-social. i guess i'll go back to pushing buttons. it's about time for the next show.

"Help me, Obi Won Kenobi! You're my only Hope!"

EXTRA - EXTRA - EXTRA!!!
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Jesus makes a ground breaking feat!
i just began my first show, intro. and button pressing all by my self. can you dig it!?! also, i used Cat Power as my walk in music. well, not MY walk in music. that would be too Vegas. the couple of people that came to the show walked into the planetarium listening to Cat Power. i couldn't handle listening to the same music that the real planetarium operators listened to. it's good and all, but not my style. actually, i should say that i couldn't listen to the music that the OTHER planetarium operators listened to because i'm one of them now. anyway!

so, how are things out there in reality? i know i haven't spoken to some of you lately, but i've been busy doing nothing. still working on this damn thesis. still trying to keep my head above water. hey, i'm selling things. would anyone like to buy something? anyway, i'll let all you get back to what you all were doing. have fun and stuff.