Why don't I have a "killer instinct"? What the fuck is a killer instint anyway? I'm at a Toyota dealership with V's hybrid and all I can think about is how much of a dumbass I've been. I'm sitting here blogging from my blackberry, wondering if I ever had that killer instinct that assholes seem to have.

So, how is everyone doing out there in Bloggerworld. As for me, still unemployed and wondering where all the headhunters are. I was told they were out there looking for me. Do I just not put myself where they can find me? Are they looking for that killer instinct that I don't possess?

There are hours where I think, "good ridance to all that stress". Then the next minute, I think about all those stressed out nights with no sleep and realize that I miss them. Come on! Someone let me know if I ever had what it took. I can deal with the truth. I'm just tired of banging my head against the fucking wall thinking that I was this extremely wonderful trader.

How I wish for a second...or even third income in this household. A couple of people are telling me that everything will be alright and that I'll persevere, but I don't see it yet. The "job-seeking" industry is booming, but it's the "getting a job" industry that's a bitch. I've been paying attention to what some of these trading firms are looking for, and it seems that they not only want experience, but the education to back it up. Not sure if anyone remembers me but I don't have a degree in finance. My degree was in Liberal Arts. I kinda fell into this trading gig. I never thought I'd enjoy a capitalist industry, but just like any other hard-up American, I fell in love with the monetary potential behind the curtain. Poor old wizard was right when he said, "Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain".

I should have been smarter about a lot of the things I did the past three years. There are so many things that i should have paid attention to. At the time, it was always, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow". I never thought about, "What if tomorrow's stop coming"? It seems that my tomorrows stopped coming. I always told myself that I'd never go back to work customer service or some such thing, but I sit here and the only thing I'm actually qualified for and there's a demand for IS customer service. Can't teach because I lack the experience and the degree. You see, when I was at the end of my Master's degree, I stepped into the counselors office and let them know that I was ready to graduate with a concentration in History. Turned out that I hadn't read the fine print. You see, all the history courses that I had taken didn't count towards a concentration. I was short 9 hours (3 classes for those none-academic-institutional people). I was at the end of my stick there at St. Thomas and I was drained, financially and psychologically, and I just wanted out. I had a dream to teach at some community college for the rest of my life and die in some obscure, uneventful, simplistic position where no one would remember my name expect that I was an average history professor. I came to believe that an Interdisciplinary Studies degree would suffice and so I went on my merry way.

There is no merry way, no happily ever after and there is most definitely no brighter day. There's just the realization that I've screwed the pooch. I've realized that going off my designed plan put me in a position that would leave my ass hanging in the breeze, exposed to everything including the elements.

But no fears. I've fixed a lot of things in my life in the past three years. I was almost sure that this job would only get me so far and that it was up to me to get me somewhere else. Still, I've only been in this house for three months. All I see is failure ahead. There is really nothing there in my near future to give me inspiration to continue forward. There's nothing there for me but the responsibilities of an adult, and I hate that. I hate being alone at this life. Having to push forward when all you want to do is stop the pain, the solitude. In school, you'd skip a couple of classes, drink a couple of beers, get a little drunk and forget for a moment. Here, I can't skip out, and I can't drink and I can't forget, because if I do...if I do decide to indulge and forget, I loss my house.

Good luck to you and all your endeavours. I'll be here, trying to toil under the Sun (For my philosophy people).