The proverbial coffee

When I was an undergrad, I asked a girl to coffee.  I was working in the library and I actually thought she liked me.  Anyway.  I was shot down.  She said she didn't like coffee.

 

In college, I fell in love with most females that crossed my path.  That was my thing.  My friends encouraged me to follow through with infatuations, but how could I.  I may come across as being a secure male, but I'm chicken-shit on the inside.

 

I miss those days so much.  The days when I felt less than I do now.  The days between drastic emotional climaxes in my life.  My undergrad years were filled with books, study and hookers.

 

Not many people know that about me.  I lived a kind of inner secluded bohemian lifestyle all my own.  I refused to get emotionally attached to any one person and lived a life ignorant of the emotional turmoil I feel now.

 

One thing I learned is that you don't pay for them to stay.  You don't even pay for them to cum.  You pay them to leave once you're done.  I defined humanity by way of a transactional universality.

 

There was this one that asked me to stay with her for a while.  I guess she just wanted to talk.  She was young and pretty.  Short dark hair.  A funny smile.  If we were in school together, she'd probably be one of those girls I'd fall in love with from a distance.  I tried not to notice too much in her motel room, but I couldn't help noticing the books that lay on the love seat and the floor.  She asked what I did and for the first time I told her the truth, that I was a student.  She, in turn, told me that she liked to read.  Obviously.  But I didn't want there to be any familiarity between us.  I was after all the employer and she the employee.  I made some excuse, dressed and left.  What can I say.  I was relieved.  I walked away with a smile thinking how free I was.

 

Now, not too many years later, I find that I think about my past more and more.  I can say I regret a lot of things from my past.  I try not to remember the horrible things I've done, but the forces move those memories from the primordial place they had receded to, and I find those images of past incidents at the forefront of my mind.  At times, I'm frozen in place, cringing as the images dance in my memories.  The things I wished I could take back, that will never be forgotten.  It's my punishment to never forget.

 

I was never free.  Thinking that I was more free than that hooker shows me now that I really don't know anything.  Neither of us were free that day.  I'm still not.  I'm captive to my emotions, being strangled by the world, lost to the deluge.

 

In the absence of insight, the sight within means nothing.

 

And so I sit here at five o'clock in the morning wanting to sleep, but unable to.  The images of past sins that are unredeemable in my eyes dance in my mind as swiftly as a warm breeze from salty waters on a cool summer morning.  My eyes doze, but sleep doesn't come.

 

If I would have stayed the course, where would I be?  Instead, I decided to attain the proverbial habitat with the proverbial sedan sitting in the proverbial garage.  All that's missing is the proverbial wife and 2.5 children.  I always wondered if the .5 was a proverbial pet of one form or another.  Anyway.  No pet either.

 

I've actually never been free.  I guess none of us are free.  Eventually, our hearts belong to lovers.  Our souls belong to what ever deity we pray to.  Our bodies belong to whatever political entity exists.  We are either lost in the past, consumed by our future or trampled by our present.

 

V is going to DC with a male friend of hers and I can't help being the embodiment of male virility.  I want to be stern but fair and tell her that I forbid her from going, but how can I do that?  How can I be educated and in my mid 30's and believe that I own another human being?

 

I fear the uncertainty of human nature.

The unknown variable that exists is based on intuition.

 

I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that she's considered having a child with this man, or that she told me she was going to DC the day after she insisted on coming to H-Town for my birthday.  I can't help but think that the only reason she was so adamant about coming to my birthday was to assuage some guilt over going to DC.  Or so she'd bypass whatever argument I would have started, starting with flying to DC and not driving to see me.  Intuition sucks!

 

I guess it really doesn't matter.  We're not married.  I'm too invested in a one-sided relationship.  What does that say about me?  Lost, consumed and trampled.

 

Need I say more.