Almost time

Well, it’s almost time.  I received a notice saying that I have to contact Texas Workforce Commission.  My last request was placed on hold.  The inevitable has arrived.  I haven’t even won the lottery yet.  Out of everything, I thought I’d either find a new position at a trading firm or win the lottery.  I guess I expected too much.  At the most, I have enough money for two months of bills.  I’m finally afraid.  I’m finally stressing out.  My mind is blank.  Everything I expected to happen, didn’t, and everything I thought would not happen to me, has.

So, where do I go from here?

A life unimposed

A glance.  A smile.  A handshake.

An assuring voice.  A powerful idea.  An intriguing solution:  Talk.

Morning coffee, breakfast later.  Morning hair.  Bashful smile.  Gleaming eyes.  Warm caress.  Soft kiss.

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It’s better if the idea stays on the screen rather than have it destroy in reality.  Thanks M for the confidence but we know me.  I’m really not good for anyone.  It was a pretty glance into that universe though.  There was a kind of warmth there.

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I heard one time or read somewhere how someone without compassion won’t get into heaven.  Something like Heaven is reserved for the compassionate.  Well, I probably won’t be going to Heaven.  I realized that I didn’t feel much of any thing.  It’s not like I felt empty or inhuman.  It was more like I felt out of place.  Out of place or in my place, it doesn’t matter.  I guess the question is why am I really there.  Obligation?  Who am I obligated to?  It can’t be that.  I may be can’t be that…  Not sure about a lot of things.

People have different worlds.  Like I said earlier, two worlds and all.  Anyway, when I’m there, I’m there.  Just a while longer.  Not for me, but for them.

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I could never think of the right words to say.  How does one do that?  I try and it never seems like it’s enough or correct.

I like quiet.  Peace.  Solitude.  But it’s because of that that I’m not a social person.  I’ve forgotten how to interact and be a fully functioning human in a human society.

Monkey’s would eat me and humans just say that I’m rude, selfish.  Is it revealing to you if I said I’d rather be eaten by the monkeys?  Rhetorical question.