Well, well, well... I've been researching for my last speech and it'll be the worst one I've ever given. Note to everyone, I'm not an orator. I'm just an anti-social kind of guy. My speech is a persuasive one. It's on making Basic Training a requirement after high school. It's only a month and a half and it'll instill self-esteem, which everyone needs to have. I think it's a good idea, but several prior service people and cadre don't think so. They beleive it's only for a select few that can hack military life. I agree with that but I also beleive that it would beuild character for anyone that took basic training. I look at them and they seem pretty centered and contious of their lives. A little stressed, but consider having a job, school work load and military activity and you'd know what they have to deal with. I don't know. I guess I just had to come up with something fast because "Stupid Me" raised his hand up to give it the first day. I'm number 2 that day. Last one went completely bad. So, I'm kind of worried about this subject. "Did I pick a good and short subject?" "Did I research enough and not too much?" Sh*t like that creeps in my brain. I know that rhetoric is my enemy but I'm actually worried about making a fool out of myself. I actually, for one time out of all three speeches, want to give a good speech. I want to get a standing ovation and pats on the back and I want people to cry because I was the best. I have a philosophy paper due the day after the speech on Augustine's "Christian Doctrine" and a presentation in Archaeology. But then again, my life for the next 6 months is going to drive me crazy. May...May...15th of May...What if I disappoint people? What...What if I can't hack it? I never thought that I ran my own course. For the passed couple of years I've been in the passenger seat, going where I was taken. I comforted myself by saying that everything I went through in life was to get me here to this point. I've been evaluating my life and I'm wondering that this is the end of the road. I'm not sure if I'm ready for anything else. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I never was to begin with, but I had three years in front of me. Now, those three years are behind me and I never thought I would make it this far. I thought about the army every morning during PT but that was taken away. I just wasn't dedicated enough. Now, I feel like a loser around the cadets, I just don't let them know. They gave so much and I wanted to give back, but it seemed what I gave wasn't enough. I'm scared to think that what they think is that I gave up. I didn't! I guess I wasn't good enough. I accept that. Don't get me wrong. I've accepted a lot in my life, a lot of which I wish I could forget but from what the Cadre gave, I absorbed with a passion. Supposedly I have leadership quality. Master Sergeant tells me that all the time. I don't feel it. I think I'm just drawn to people with that quality and it makes it seem like I'm the one that has it becuase of association. My class work, no matter how difficult and how much bitching I did I loved every assignment because it made me think. Wrong or right, I learned. I've met interesting people that wouldn't have given me the time or day any other way. I guess I had a lot to say tonight. I have "The Doors" playing in my head, you know, This is the end. What's next? Maybe it's just that turning point where everyone thinks about their past in order to see how it has played out. Psychologically, everyone, just before a big moment like graduation, tends to take stock on their lives to try to see a pattern. I guess I'm doing mine now. Stock on all the bad and good things in order to see if the good out weigh the bad and if anything in my past can prepare me for the future. I'm scared as hell. I don't care what I do. That's not the scarey part. The scarey question is, "will I be prepared?" 26 and I still feel childish. Not something employers want to hear. History, not much out there but teaching. Not even certified to teach, so the only thing left is substituting. Not enough to make a living. Do you think I've written enough???