Nissan is…

I’m really not sure what to say about Nissan.  I had to have my baby towed to Nissan because I’m no longer in the ghetto and have no ghetto shop to take her to.  They gave me the bad news, $3000.00 bad, and just when I’m about settled in my chair and ready to cry, the guy comes up and lets me know that a technician is available to do that recall for me.  Don’t laugh!  Every little bit helps me.  It kept me from crying around strangers.  What would that have looked like.  Note:  For those of you who have seen me drunk, don’t answer that.

All I can afford to do is buy a new starter to get me home, you know, to cry in private where a man my age and dimensions should cry.  All the feelings that I didn’t have before when I was first unemployed are just now starting to hit me.  I’m not sure if I’m in some self-imposed banishment.  I don’t want to deal with reality anymore.  I found myself yearning for the old neighborhood.  I know, I know!  The reason I felt like that was because it was a time of no worries.  I was too anxious to be on my own that I never thought about how secure I was living with my mom when I was in college.  Now, I’m at the precipice of my life.  It’s where my imagined life meets the experienced life and you realize that they never meshed; they were never on the same plain of being.

Nothing is ever what it seems.  I can’t seem to get passed that.  I want everything to be just like I thought it, just like I saw it, smelled it, felt it, et cetera.  I wanted everything to survive.  I’m hemorrhaging here.  “To die, to sleep.  Perchance to dream”, to dream of that imagined happiness that I once possessed.  Sorry Andres, I couldn’t write happier stuff.  Maybe next time.