Time to Sleep

I wish I could have a pleasant nights sleep.  Why can't I?  Not sure.  I'm not where I wanted to be.  That's a lie.  I'm not where I thought I would ever be.  To tell you the truth.  I never thought I'd have what I have right now.  I always thought...well...as a child would think.  I always thought I'd have some one watching out for me, taking care of me.  Instead, I literally have to fend for myself.  Now I know what your thinking.  "What a loser.  Can't even live a normal grown-up life".

 

"Not true!", I say.

 

With a smile and a sigh I tell you that life, in itself, is really not that hard to live.  It's the decisions and sudden pit-falls that worry me.

 

I have a mother that still wants to take care of me after 37 years.  Ten years of which I rebelled like she was King George and I, George Washington.  Looking back, half the crap I got myself into could have ended me up with a criminal record, in jail or dead.  I see it now in new eyes and all  I can wonder is if they will end up like me.  Will new generations end up like me:  lost, confused, tormented;  Feeling incompetent for one thing or another.

 

I really can't shake this feeling of worthlessness.  I look at where I am right now, and I feel worthless.  I see seven years ago and where I thought I would be now, and I feel shame.  In 2001, I decided that I didn't want a manual labor job.  I wanted to do great things with my life.  I went back to school and worked hard and played equally so.  I received good marks...so I continued.  Went to a four year college and earned a BA.  Stayed for graduate school and earned a Masters.  So, where did I go wrong?  My BA was for my family.  So they could hold their heads up against the torrential storm they were bombarded with from those that assumed I was a loser.  The Masters degree was for me.  It was to imbue me with worth.  But it hasn't.  Have I missed something?  Have I missed some point that an education was supposed to do?

 

I want to sleep but I can't sleep.  I'm tormented by my life right now.  It may not be meaningful for those of you out there, but my life is what I have.  Nothing around me is truly mine until I can answer these simple questions.  I want my back to stop hurting, my head to stop throbbing and my mind to stop racing.  I just want to sleep.