6/9/09

To Retribution,
There's a cool chill in the air. There's a warm feeling in words said in tender tones on nights such as these. I swear to move, but cannot. I count the minutes alone and try to forget that loneliness is such a curse. I try to occupy my mind but find the time reserved by thoughts of yesterday. So, I wait my turn. I wait yet again for the time to pass while I contemplate the end of a line I once read, once wrote. I think of my occupation and try to pass the time in that manner only to find no comfort in it. The only certainty is that there is no certainty there. I fear my days as most people fear their nights. And so I fear to hate and hate to fear. Such a loneliness to fear a devistating blow to the ego, an ego that has only seen sunlight but a handful of times. My memory escapes into the catacombs of the mind, searching for the ellusive image that could crumble this city of God. I yearn for the times of sweets and sours. I yearn for the time when fear had no definition and no face, the face being my own, only older and less firm and less pliable.

My stomach bulges more than it used to when I was younger. My legs have grown weary. My eye sight has gotten shorter and my fingers longer and bonier. And yet...and yet I lay in the same spot, pretending that life doesn't seem as if it stopped here and continued out there. I watch the world unfurl on my 32 inch and praise the sturdy walls that have not collapsed around me as I wade through 2 inches of water. So I take up the tools of my father and take a long drink from the alcohol that flows through my lineage already, and then I take a long look at the horizon, hoping for inspiration but recieiving none. The dawn breaks. It breaks and light returns, bringing the fear with it. The cool chill in the night has been replaced by cold sweat. The warn feelings no longer matter. Yesterdays memories have been replaced by todays agenda. And so I walk out into the darkness of my day, to find a certainty in existence, a certainty in life.