Okay, someone mentioned to me that there was a new zombie movie coming out this weekend, or had come out last weekend. So, needless to say (and in the spirit of Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries), I said, “Shut up”!

I jumped online and began my journey into finding this film since I’ve personally made it my mission in life to seek out these strange movies and rate them accordingly. Up till now, only a few have met my expectations.

Yet, it was disconcerting to come upon a select few individuals that do not understand the concept of the zombie. They wrongly attribute death and decay to zombies, and anything outside this norm is not part of that genre. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here is a quickie in order to get you in order. Please, don’t fall prey to propaganda.

All zombies ARE zombies! The title “Zombie” refers to their inability to have rational thought. Hence, all movies where the crying, screaming blonde is running from a half crazed maniac willing to devour her and her minions is considered a Zombie movie.

There are subtle differences when it comes to zombies themselves. First, there are two major types of zombies: Undead (U) and Chemically Altered (CA). The other zombie has gone by the highway ever since Mr. Romero introduced us to the undead variety, which is the traditional voodoo zombie.

Now, from both these kinds of zombies (U and CA) you can be infected and turned to a zombie by fluid transfer. Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll are out of the question, ladies and gentlemen. The third (voodoo zombie), you had to be targeted and manipulated.

Things to remember, just because a zombie is Undead, doesn’t mean that they will live forever. You have to remember that the laws of chemistry still apply. Tissue will continuously breakdown. So, understand how fast tissue decomposes and you’ll understand how long you have to wait for the outbreak to end

Then, there’s the Chemically Altered. They don’t decompose, but they will starve to death. So, you have to understand how long it takes an individual to starve to death. According to the military (aka ROTC) they say that the human body can survive about 30 days without food, but only 15 days without water. The water part is dependent on the exertion that you put your body under. So, the harder you work, the less days you can survive without water.

Then there’s the other thing about Chemically Altered zombies. Their only nutritional sustenance has been red meat (aka unaltered people). Red meat has a negative impact on the body, as well.

In the end, if you don’t know what a zombie movie is or what defines a zombie, remember, give me a call and I’ll let you have the information for free. So, next time you go to a gala or a party, you’ll have something to talk about, AND YOU CAN THANK JESUS!!!