I was at home earlier and I was watching "eXistenZ". Anyway, I got to thinking about life. I came up with this: What if reality isn't what we think it is. What if what we consider this reality to be isn't real and we are nothing more than an interpretation of another beings mind. OK, I think I just lost my train of thought because I can't understand what I just said. Well, think in this terms. You have a race of immortal aliens that have grown so much and so bored that they decide to make an alternate reality [lets use the game on eXistenZ as an example]. Anyway, they have grown so bored of their unadventurous and unending lives that they decide that they want to experience mortality every once and a while. So, one of their "scientists" creates a new reality, one that hooks them into a super computer and allows them to experience everything that they don't feel or sense anymore. Catch-22, they go in with no memory of their previous life. Lets recap:

1. Bored, all knowing, Immortal Aliens
2. Sientists create game
3. Game allows the expierence of mortailty.

So, we are nothing more than a generation of a grander mind somewhere out there. That's funny. So what happens after death? And what if our true selves are fifteen year old geeks with nothing exicting to do with ourselves but sit around and count the stars. Would we want to wake up and realize that it's more fun down here in the "GAME"? But then again, that race of aliens are extremely immortal (a plus in my book) and also all knowing (or at least more knowing than we are here). That's funny. Would you consider such a world? What if all we are is a bunch of numbers in a CPU somewhere and people are watching our thoughts unfold, or giving them to us for that matter. What if our reality is no bigger than a Playstation 2 and we are taken out to play with only as often as a 10 year old would take out his Playstation to play with. Downloading himself to feel because his reality has no feelings. A world with no senses and a world with senses. Which would you pick?

Well, I've registered for my last five classes of my undergraduate courses. It sucks to finally be out of here. I've never had a typical university life, and just when I start to develop one, it's "hasta la vista, baby!" I still need my capstone and from what my capstone advisor tells me, I have to start the whole process over because I'm stupid and I started wrong. He didn't use those exact words or meaning, but I have my own style of interpretation. I don't want to grow up. I actually didn't expect to come this far. I still can't believe that I'm here, even though some mornings I wish I really wasn't. I guess to each his own. I'm still not sure about the MLA program here. I guess I have to look into that if I decide to do it here. Something else to worry about. Thanks mom for giving me some kind of image of responsibility. Personally, I would have preferred a car.

I realized from Saturday's blog that I'm selfish as hell. Sorry everyone for making you read that, but I would find it pointless to remove it. Anyway, I just wanted to make me feel better by showing some emotion over what I read but it seems that it doesn't matter what I feel but what others feel instead. It's kind of hard to distinguish between rational and irrational emotional out bursts. I see Matt on the Mall, so I gotta go smoke a cigarette.

Nothing puts things into perspectives until you come across something that messes with your mind. Not talking about the almost accident, but instead of something so horrible that you can't bare to think of without wanted to cry. I was looking for DLC's blogspots and live journal's but I forgot the way one of theirs goes, so I didn't use the complete http. I got someone elses from 2002 and I decided to read it. The torment that this girl went through. And she still finds joy in her small cousins eyes. Why does crap like this happen? Why must we be evil? She sounds like a good person who's dealing but can you really deal with something like this? Are there words that someone can say that will make it go away? Should there be? My heart hurts right now. I might be a peccimist sometimes but at least I had some hope for mankind, but her story kind of makes me feel like there's no point. Every day is a struggle that we have to deal with but is it our right to blame the fall on someone that supposedly was created by God and decided to bite the fucking apple? Shouldn't we take responsibility and say that the shit in this world is ours and decide to clean it up? Maybe men are the problem. We can be assholes sometimes if not all the time. I was taught that women were the most precious thing in the world and all though I might be a bastard sometimes, I like to think that they really are precious. Women are innately kind and caring. Men learn love from their mothers and strength from their fathers. So, to destroy love, what happens to us? How could someone do that to something so precious? I don't even know this girl and I'm angry. I was hoping for a guestbook but what could I say? Nothing! There's nothing but the realization that the bastard would someday die!

About an hour ago I had to go to St. Thomas because I forgot my AC adapter for my laptop. Anyway, after picking up and heading home something very interesting happened. I was at a stop light, waiting to turn, and a truck jumped the curb and was heading straight for me. To tell you the truth I didn't beleive it was happening. For a split second I thought this guy was trying to get to the gas station on the other side of the street. It wasn't until I saw the truck turn it's wheels in my direction that I reacted. Anyway, my first instinct was to tense up and wait for the hit, but something kept yelling in my ear to turn the steering wheel in the opposite direction. So I did what SMART ME told me to do and then I braced for the impact. Well, the guy must have read my move and turned his steering wheel the other direction and he completely missed my passanger side mirror by a mere inch. I swear, I looked in that direction as he drove by my mirror and we didn't even hit or scratch. I was amazed to say the least! Don't ever think that you can't think in a situation like that. It may take a second but your mind kicks in after it's adequately entertained. I just had to laugh all the way home. That's after my heart started beating again. You just can't trust your heart. It's always the first to run at the first sign of danger.

Well, as we can all see, it's 4:00am. That's not the funny part. Matt and I were at Starbucks up until about an hour and a half ago, just studying and being enlightened. Well, we went outside for a cigarette and for those of us who have seen Matt stand on top of the benches at St. Thomas, he decided to try his luck with the seats outside of Starbucks. HIS LUCK RAN OUT! I can't remember if he was trying to get off the chair or switch from one to another but the last thing I remember is that look of dismay and confusion as he stumbled to the ground. It was like watching an car accident play out. The fear, the struggling to stay standing, the acceptance of falling and the "thud". We laughed about it but the people at a table a couple of feet away got up and moved. I think Matt scared them. Matt's all right but injuried his knee. I can't even remember what exactly we were talking about just before he fell. Matt, sorry I laughed and sorry I didn't catch you, but it's kind of hard to be agile when you're laughing. I guess I'll get back to my Archaeology paper.

You come from Dark Water. You are solitary and
find peace in yourself, or maybe you're
turmoiled but pull off peace.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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Well, I pulled it off! I can't beleive that I passed my Philosophy Midterm! A (B-) for all the lack of hard work I did for it. Actually, I had been worried about it all weekend, but I didn't expect it back so soon. Matt and I spent many a night and morning at Starbuck's studying for our classes and tests. The only one I studied for was this test. Anyway, it's great that I passed but I'm still worried about the paper. I have absolutely no idea what my topic is going to be. Any ideas?

"What remains", he asked as he looked down the dark slope leading to a bright camp fire below. The soft blue-ish light from the quarter moon above and the distant stars fell into the revine, growing darker the deeper it sank. He sat, throwing small bebbles towards the distant fire and counting the stars so as not to go back down. His soul seemed heavy and his body felt ravished with confusion and guilt. She was down there, waiting. He was here, waiting as well. Two separate entities locked in the same ordeal. He had walked away hoping to find an answer, but he found that he could not stray far. He picked this spot to keep watch over her and to keep her safe.

She tried not to glance in the area where he had walked away into. The darkness was unsettling and the moonlight gave the woods shadows that moved in the corner of her eyes. She tried to keep busy in the campsite but there was only so much she could do, so she relied on keeping the fire burning. She wondered how long she could keep it going.

He watched the moving shadow as she moved from one side of the campsite to the other in front of the fire. He wondered what she was doing that she seemed busy when he was up top, trying to find the answers to his predicament. He wanted to say it, but how could he. He wasn't supposed to. He made sure of that. Suddenly, out of the darkness behind him they came. There was laughing and mocking and the voices were all too familiar and comforting. At the same time, they scared him. They didn't know what he felt for her or the feelings he had for all of them. Trying to gather his thoughts and feelings held no answers for him. The moon, the stars, the darkness told him nothing. In the middle of his torment he heard a voice whisper, "Shh. Who's that?", another voice yell, "Don't do that!" and still two others that laughed out loud.
"No, really, there's someone there.", asked the first voice, more seriously. He decided to follow them and try his search among them again. Maybe it wasn't an individual answer, maybe it was a question that only many could answer. He rose to his feet and called out. The other party seemed more at ease as he walked towards them. They asked, "So, what happened?"
The reply came, "Nothing", as they began to walk down the revine towards the light.
He whispered to himself again, "What remains?"

Well, well, well. Can you believe it? I think I have this midterm licked. I just got some great help from great people. Christa and a friend of hers in our class totally made everything clear for me tonight. I'm still kind of unsure of some of the things, but with an all-nighter, I think I can get that brushed away. I might have a great weekend after all. I'm really not sure about an all nighter though. I stayed out with Matt last night at "Starbucks" till about 2:30am, studying for our exams, and I actually didn't get to sleep until 5:15am. I had to get up at 5:30am so it really didn't do much good. But fear not! I slept for two and a half hours this afternoon before work and I feel fine.

Ama et fac quod vis... "Love and do what you wish"St. Augustine

I'd like to think that St. Augustine said that but I can't be sure. I got that from a website about him. Most of the information sounds accurate, but you can never tell when it comes to websites. I'm thinking about having that tattoo'ed on me. What do you think? Is it me?

Have Fun, Will Travel

Whom ever talked me into having Philosophy my minor, I'll hunt you down and beat you like a dog! My mind is so tired of Augustine that I have a constant headache now. That's all right. I've always had those but it's his views that add to my torment. I've resigned myself to think that we have to look inwardly before we can know anything. At least that way all we have to do is think about ourselves. Too egotistical? Anyway, the break is over and we are back to classes. I found out that I'm really a procrastinator. No, really! I had four days to do a lot and I only started doing things on the third day. Well, we only have two days before the weekend and one day for my philosophy midterm. I laugh at pressure!!!

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 58% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Type 3 Ambition |||||||||||| 50% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 78% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||| 22% Type 8 Hostility |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 38% Your Conscious-Surface type is 4w5 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w3

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||	28%
Introverted	||||||||||||||||||	72%
Friendly	||||||||||||||	56%
Aggressive	||||||||||||	44%
Orderly	||||||||||||||	54%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	46%
Relaxed	||||	20%
Emotional	||||||||||||||||||	80%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||||	62%
Practical	||||||||||	38%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Tell me what you think. Does this describe me or what?

I didn't feel like being at home tonight so I decided to go to Starbucks. I wore cargos, a pull over-hooded sweatshirt and sandals. People couldn't help themselves from staring at my feet. It was Starbucks! It's not like I was in a formal environment. Anway, I felt so uncomfortable. I may have been paranoid, but it seemed that they were giving me dirty looks.
Anyway, I'm IM-ing with Mary right now.
*note: no philosophy as conversation or at 1:30am.

I spoke with an old friend from HCCS. We talked about the good old days and what happened to the rest of the group I used to hang with. It seems that the alcoholics of the group have quite. I was one of them. I'm glad the rest finally grew up. She's almost out of UofH also. She has about a year to go. She started after me and it feels that she will be out before me. I still remember when all we worried about was where the money for the Daquiri's was coming from. I can't beleive that I actually enjoyed reminising about that part of my past. It was cool.

I also spoke with a high school friend. She's 6 months pregnant and loving it. She never seemed the mother kind. I wished her luck because if the daughter is anything like the mother, the world will be turned upside down and chaos will ruin the face of the earth. Just kidding. She'd make a good mother. Life goes on.

Oh fire in my heart, ice in my soul.
They do not balance my existence.
The stem, the thorn, the pedal and the seed make a flower.
Without one, will it still be beautiful?
Which shall turn first though, the heart or the soul?
Shall my heart grow cold or my soul burn?

My attention drawn away.
The bright light ahead beckons.
The flower pulses with life: my life.
The stem, green and supports.
The thorn, sharp and ready to prick.
The pedals, a bright white with vibrant pink.
The seed, full of life.
All to the utmost perfection of function.
To Be.

My mom is so intelligent! It's still surprising. One of my laptop's modem broke, so I had to use the other as a desktop. Well, I broke that one's parallel port, so it can't print. My mom had to print something and when I told her what was wrong, she said she'd wait until I switched laptops and then try off that one. Well, I told her that the modem was broke on that one, but at the same time, it snapped! She was absolutely correct. She thought I had finally lost my mind[which I had a long time ago anyway] when I thanked her. She had turned the brain wheel turning and I switched hard drives on the laptops. Not only can the laptop print, but it also has a larger C: drive. My mom is soo coool!!!

One for the home team! I had written this long post about today but it looks like it didn't post. Well, it was more exciting the first time around so the second will just be matter of factly.

Dr. Kitchel called off the midterm till next friday due to food poisoning that some of the students suffered from. I will have to write them thank you cards[just kidding]. The Archaeology test went well considering that I didn't study for it because of the stress of studying for Philosophy. Nicole and I went over the stuff about 20 minutes before class. I talked her into skipping her English class so we could sit at Detrich's.

I am officially broke! But atleast I won't have the law after me. I paid my traffic ticket just a few seconds ago, online. I feel good and bad at the same time. Mainly because I won't be going to England this Winter for study abroad History course. Instead, if it all plays out just right and I pass my classes, Matt Andy and I will be tripping to New York and I'll finally have my first true sight of snow. Hell, what I hear is that there will not just be snow but snow storms. I'll be in "Texas dreamer" heaven. All I have to worry about is my Philosophy Midterm this friday. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail the test, but atleast I know now that I can actually read Augustines "Confessions" in a day. I've started his "Against the Academicians" and I'm on the second book. All in all, it has been an interesting week. And to tell you the truth, I'm not that stressed out about it. Funny, ain't it? Well, wish me luck...

The Renaissance Restival was a smash! I probably loved every bit of it. For those guys who are in relationships, this place is like a strip club that the entire family will enjoy. That's a separate issue. No pictures were taken because of the expense it cost in order to buy the film there and neither Matt, Andy or I thought about it before we got there. There were a lot of leather shops there, or should I write "shoppes". Anyway, the parade was full of weird people and keep an eye for the guy with a long feather. He likes to tickle people. I was hit on the shoulder by some girl that said I should have warned her of the guy after he tickled her leg. I think she was just flirting with me. But alas, I controlled myself. Or maybe it was the fact that she walked over to her boyfriend. On the control aspect, Matt and Andy will probably have different stories, but believe mine because it's straight from the horses mouth and I never lie. I don't want to give too many details of the place away, but bring lots of money because you'll want to buy everything there and wear tennis shoes because it's a lot of walking. The shows are great and funny, the customs are great [although seldom historically accurate, I beleive] and the accents are fake, but from the heart.

Oh ye, if thy heart took flight, tremble at thou power.
If to flee, what mercy to shine upon thy soul.
Mercy, what be thee?
What cometh at dawn of the morrow when thy heart t'is exposed to the elements?

Oh ye, if not the flight but thy destination t'is important.
Flowing meadows of golden light taking from thine breath or making chest ache.
Majesty! Sheer majesty!
Thine image of God upon the rolling fields, expanding with breath and sigh.

Thee be announced to the world!
Alas, the movement of thine spirit is at hand and thy journey is present.
It begins with single step, extending the ages.
A kiss t'is the same; A small step for eternity.
T'is glorious pain to journey into the unknown, and to loss thyself in deep blue seas of heavens joy.

Journey onward!

Fall, has thou'st sprungeth upon us again?!