I guess I spoke too soon. Just as I was settling down for the long haul, the company decides to merger, and I'm out of a job. So, what do I do now? Where does a trader go?

I've been thinking about what to do and how to go by it. I told myself not to worry for the rest of the week, but I can't help it. I try not to let it get me down, but it doesn't work. I'm alone in this. I'm alone and I'd rather not be. I want help, but none comes. None can come, and so I press on as best I can.

It was inevitable.

MEUS VERITAS IS BACK!!!!

It has been a full three months without home internet that it feels all that much more like water in the desert. Can you beleive it!!! WOW! I feel like one of those basketball players after a championship victory. I feel as if I should be sweating profusely and smiling (which I am as I type these words because the picture in my head is completely different than how I am describing it) and saying "Woo" a lot. And don't forget that I should be throwing my fists in the air and saying "Yeah", a lot (which I'm doing as well but can't do too loud because mom would think I was crazy. And on that note, I'll go back to my room and watch some cable.

Wooo...Yeah!!! (Not to sound to crazy, but I can actually hear cheering in the back ground of my mind).

6/9/09

To Retribution,
There's a cool chill in the air. There's a warm feeling in words said in tender tones on nights such as these. I swear to move, but cannot. I count the minutes alone and try to forget that loneliness is such a curse. I try to occupy my mind but find the time reserved by thoughts of yesterday. So, I wait my turn. I wait yet again for the time to pass while I contemplate the end of a line I once read, once wrote. I think of my occupation and try to pass the time in that manner only to find no comfort in it. The only certainty is that there is no certainty there. I fear my days as most people fear their nights. And so I fear to hate and hate to fear. Such a loneliness to fear a devistating blow to the ego, an ego that has only seen sunlight but a handful of times. My memory escapes into the catacombs of the mind, searching for the ellusive image that could crumble this city of God. I yearn for the times of sweets and sours. I yearn for the time when fear had no definition and no face, the face being my own, only older and less firm and less pliable.

My stomach bulges more than it used to when I was younger. My legs have grown weary. My eye sight has gotten shorter and my fingers longer and bonier. And yet...and yet I lay in the same spot, pretending that life doesn't seem as if it stopped here and continued out there. I watch the world unfurl on my 32 inch and praise the sturdy walls that have not collapsed around me as I wade through 2 inches of water. So I take up the tools of my father and take a long drink from the alcohol that flows through my lineage already, and then I take a long look at the horizon, hoping for inspiration but recieiving none. The dawn breaks. It breaks and light returns, bringing the fear with it. The cool chill in the night has been replaced by cold sweat. The warn feelings no longer matter. Yesterdays memories have been replaced by todays agenda. And so I walk out into the darkness of my day, to find a certainty in existence, a certainty in life.

I'm about to open a World Civilization book. It's been a long time since I've done that. Too long, if you ask me.

Typing this on a phone is hard. My palms hurt as I type this letters with my thumbs. I remember when I didn't worry about thought or knowledge. I remember a time when I didn't care about much. Those days are gone. I look around the world and see things that need to be cared for. We need to look to the world in order to have continuity. Without an understanding of global proportion we as a race (human race) will never survive.

So, I'll try to sit and read and try to understand the past in order to be able to move forward, because without understanding the past, we will never achieve a future worthy to be called ours.

I was asked last night what my facination with zombie movies was. Why do I like zombie movies? Well, simple. My answer was thus: It is a world with no illusions. It is a kill or be killed environment, without the complicatedness of everyday life.

You see, in a zombie movie, you have two groups: The infected and the uninfected. The ultimate goal of the infected group is to wreek havoc on the world. They devour and destroy everything in their path. They live or die according to their new savage nature.

Now, the second group, the uninfected group has a totally different objective. They want to remain alive, and all they are is based on their determination to remain such. It becomes a Darwinian existence where the strong survive and the weak die. Their complex lives are removed and they are thrust into a simplistic form of existence. It's the obvious and ultimate return to hunter/gatherer status. If they are hungry, they find food. If they are thirsty, they find water. If they are caught by a horde of zombies, you kill them before they kill you.

You see, what we don't find in a world where zombies roam the planet are the complicated social environments that we have in the real world. In the real world, we have a work environment, a communial environment and a familial environment. There are more, but these three tend to outway the others. We have behaviors in these environments that dicate our existence in them. At times, these behaviors are contrary to our true selves. So, we either play nice or suffer consequences. Our survival is based on our behavior in certain circles and the consquences of them if we veer off the normal set of behaviors. In other words, if we don't play nice at work, we are fired, we loss income, we can't pay our bills, we loss the house and then we live on the streets where we beg for food and money. In the familial environment it's a tad simplier. You yell at your sister, your mother defends her, your voice goes up a decible while you explain yourself to your mother and she kills you. Simple, the end.

In the zombie world, people don't have set norms to live by. Our contact with the human race isn't based on niceties or how well we can multi-task. Human survival is the primary goal, starting with your own, and the only reason to band with other uninfected is for the purpose of the primary goal. You don't have to keep your job (your boss is a zombie), you don't have to pay your bills (the collectors have been eaten), your family is gone (they have somehow become Mexican citizens all of a sudden) and everyone does their part to survive.

One purpose: Survival. One goal: To stay alive.