DON'T LISTEN TO OPUS DEI! THEY WANT TO MAKE YOU SUBJECT TO CATHOLICISM!!

anyway, i'm at work, library work, and i was reading about The DaVinci Code. so, it seems that catholics and opus dei-ians (and oh! let's not forget those albinos) are in an uproar about the movie because it portrays christ as married to mary magdelene. that's not the point of why i'm made at these people. the reason i'm upset is because the last paragraph in that article is this:

Barry declined to comment to Reuters on the merits of Brown's novel, but he picked out this excerpt from "The Way" in his speech: "Books. Don't buy them without advice from a Catholic who has real knowledge and discernment. It's so easy to buy something useless or harmful."

WOW! did he just give the catholic religion this immense power over the educated masses? does that mean that i'm ignorant and i must seek advicement from a catholic because my feeble mind won't comprehend day to day management of my book purchasing? "real knowledge and discernment" my ass! i know catholics out there with as much common sense or intelligence as a glow worm. i know catholics out there that rather listen to what people tell them then research on their own. and i'm supposed to give these rabble control over what i read? i don't think so!

anyway, that's what pissed me off about the article. "v" thinks i'm reading too much into the pragraph. maybe. i don't know.

*note: all italicized words USED to be curse words. i decided to keep it clean and explain myself to you all. i'm still me, only madder.

you want to talk old school! let's play "where's waldo"? can you find me? this is 1996 and i can't disclose the location for fear of delayed judicial persecution. 

well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems that an era has come to a close. it seems i have finished my academic career. i took my one and only final yesterday, of which i truly don't know how i did. i have an A and a B on papers written in the class. yet, i'm still worried about the final. if what i understood to be the way he'll grade the class, it's 33.3% each, in which case, i can't make anything below a 70% on the final. believe you me, i CAN make below that! in either case, i'll pray until he submits the grades and my fate is sealed.

and speaking of fates being sealed. i have until june to finish my thesis. i have so many overdue books that it's impossible to distinguish which are mine in actuality and which are the library's books. i know, i know, the call numbers are a dead give away. yet, i like being surrounded by so many books that i assume will progress me towards my ultimate end.

ultimate ends. what exactly are they, and why do we worry so much about them? so, what is my ultimate end? i can't see it, and i'm pretty sure that i didn't see it before. it was more like a fog that i wanted to get to so i could try to get through. i've always had a plan, but the plans never worked. several years ago, i had this grandeous plan of joining the army as a "Second Luey", but as we can see, it didn't happen. no excuses, just something that happened. i did my crying and i moved on. take the PhD thing as another example. i wanted a PhD in history so i could teach in a university. now, i really just want to sleep for the rest of my life and not have to worry about the outside world. it's too stressful. even now, i feel like staying in this dark living room and not having to venture outside. there's only two reasons that would make me WANT to leave. other than that, i have to force myself up. one's between 30 inches tall and the other, well, obviously stands a little taller:)

how i wish my headache would go away!

well, adieu adieu. parting is such sweet sorrow.
only difference is, there is no morrow in this story. i'll miss the classrooms and the procrastination stress. i'll miss friends who were family during my years at St, Thomas. i'll miss the early hours and the late nights. i won't miss the lack of sleep and the pain in the ass, brown-nosers we've all come to love in school. they always made life more difficult than we wished it to be.

fare the well, O school of Thomas, St. of...

actually, that's not true until wednesday. then i don't have to go back at all.

if you ever wanted to know what kind of a horrible person i was, then look no farther. i stand before you, a judgmental hypocrite. as i was driving out my drive way, a guy walked in front of the xterra and called out for me. i stopped and he began his story like most people about to ask for a ride or a dime. i wasn't going to have it, so i let my foot off the brake, but something stopped me (no not his foot!). luckily, the guy was looking away as he was asking, not for change, but an exchange. he had pennies and needed a quarter. he needed to make a phone call. so i told him not to trust the pay phones in the complex, but to go to the store. also, in my shame, i gave him the quarter. i felt bad. the guy was polite and everything. anyway, that's my story. believe it OR NOT!

I had orientation at the museum today. it was alright. had fun visiting the different exhibits. i hadn't been to a couple, either in a long while or ever. the best part was getting sleep in the IMAX. I fell asleep in the first part, but it got better (and I started snoring) so i decided to wake up and watch as much as possible. it was so sad. i felt sad for the rovers on mars. they were only supposed to be in service for 90 days but have been going none stop for a while now. at the end, the narrator informed us that one day, those rovers won't have enough energy to handle the cold nights. they won't be able to produce heat to keep them warm through the night and in the morning...they won't wake up:( that's sad. i want to go to mars with some windex to clean off their solar panels and some 3-n-1 oil to grease up their joints so they can go for miles and miles and miles and miles.
you should come to the museum. it'll be great!

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Day 3
It seems that I've stopped smoking again. So, from now on, I'll keep you posted. THis time, with any luck, will be the last time and you'll never have to hear about smoking again.

can i change my stars?

i don't know. i hate to give in to things, especially when i feel they are worth the fight but can we change our stars? there are things about me, things i know are just a nuicance, i wish i could change. i try to be different, but i just don't feel different. i can say one thing and still, i feel that other thing. i try, but i fear it makes me seem like a liar or weak. in both cases, i'd rather not be known as such. why are we affected by the moon, stars, etc? why should we be weakened or strengthened by them? why do my stars tell me i'm needy when all i want to be is strong? i can sit here and hide tears but all i want to do is not think of warm skin, soft lips and fingers in my hair (as examples, of course). honoestly, cancers have the shitty end ofthe stick.

comment back. tell me if you like being your zodiac because, at this point, i'd rather be yours than mine:)

so, last night was interesting. i can honoestly say that i'm starting to loss my mind. i woke up in the middle of the night (i think). i heard distant yells. it wasn't like someone outside yelling from far away because the walls around here would make sounds sound differently. anyway, the yells were more like open plain kind of yells. besides, they were in my ear, not from the outside.

so, getting back to my insanity, they called out to me. almost as if they were drawing my attention to something. you know, like, "hey!" or "listen!"

so, i listened carefully the first time becuase it could have been a fight or something outside, which that's what it ussually is. i had to stop one before. anyway, so that's when i heard the "listen" one. it was kind of like a whispered yell. so i drifted back to sleep. i can't imagine what it is other than those damn signs telling me that i've missed something important. i just get tired of being led. sometimes, i want to lead. sometimes, i want to trek those new desert sands.

what could i have possibly missed or what is about to happen. must be something important for the voices to come out and tell me that something life changing was about to happen.

thanks matt! had that interveiw. it seems that you're pretty much a hard worker. she couldn't stop talking about you. i thinnk she had a hard on for you. well, she had good things to say about you. made me feel bad because if i get the job, i'll have to work harder than you. prick! you set the standard too high.

anyway, it sounds like a demanding place. i really don't know if i can hold a smile and put up with people for hours on end. anyway, FREE TICKETS!!! wish me luck.

andres leaves for vermont on the 3rd. good luck, andres. we'll pray for your saftey. you know how dangerous they can be up there.

i was at work earlier and i started thinking about the aimlessness and unfocused life i'm leading. i started thinking about the time i had first gone to one of those christian churches where everone got into singing and glorifying god. how is it that people can get right by accepting christ at one of these functions? at least, how would i be able to have that kind of blind faith? when i see a group of people chanting and singing, i see mass hysteria. i remember i felt some kind of twinge in my gut when i attended, but now i see it as nothing more than a psychological experience where the excitement of the many excites the individual. is this god? is it the holy ghost? is it what i ate the day before?

the reason i brought it up is because of the whole aimlessness i'm feeling. i don't see myself attending another one of those churches mainly because of the way i understand them. so many people have stories of finding christ and changing the direction in their lives. were they looking for something that this church had? or were they susceptible to the illusion? i beleive myself to lead a somewhat adequate life. i'm not a murderer. i did my fare share of illegal acts in my past, but nothing that would affect society or an small business. i can say that i'm nice to dogs and cats, having only kicked one, i must confess. it was when i was a little kid and i was a terror. i felt bad about it. i looked for the animal afterward to make sure it was okay, but he ran away, making me feel a little better. i help people in need (matt and andy can attest to their bewilderment). what can i say, i'm a sucker for the downcast. i try to help the guys asking for money on the side of the road. you know, money for their beers. i treat women with utmost respect (except when i gok. matt and andres can attest to this). i give without asking, i appreciate what i get (i think) and i understand that the world may be crappy, but not all people are crappy. so, is this a good person? at times, i may need comfort but it doesn't mean i'm going to require it.

in all, why do i feel this way and why is it that people can find it easily? what do they find and why can't i find it? all pointless questions, i guess.