matt and ross were talking about the perfection of man yesterday. ross doesn't believe in original sin. also, even if there was such a thing as original sin, it was cleansed when christ died on the cross. wow!

anyway, i had this whole thing planned out to write, but instead, i decided to forget and generalize the conversation into those few sentences. besides, i left after a while when i had to go back to work.

i think i'm moody today. i don't know, but it feels that way. i just can't seem to get right with myself. i want something, but don't know what it is. i've been feeling anxious lately. almost as if i'm expecting something to happen. and again, i don't know what that thing is. shit! i hate feeling like this. it's just one of those things. i guess there's going to be a full moon or quarter moon or whatever affect cancers like me. actually, i've been moody for several days now. i'm constantly fustrated, but then again, when aren't i. if anything, it's a lack of sleep.

thanks matt. got a call from the museum. i have an interview on sunday at 6pm. weird time for an interview but who cares as long as i get a job soon. i had to write it down because i lost the piece of paper i wrote it down in and need a way to remember.

"v" and i are going to start studying for the gre/lsat. we've planned to take both. we'll see how that works for a none legal person like myself. wish us luck! then again, "v" doesn't need luck. it's natural for her.

i've reached a point in my life where i've forgotten how it was to feel certain about my direction in life. damn mla program! i can't even remember the last time i felt secure in my own skin. damn ust theological centered education!

*************************************************

if there was one, there were three,
to hold hands on a rubber tree.
one pulled, the other pushed.
to fall and land in a bush[ed]. (yes! stupid! i know!)

*************************************************

anyway, that's all i got.

they called my bluff. can you beleive it!? anyway, i read somewhere where you should play hard to get. i called up one of my job place people and said, "well bud, it seems i have a call back from another place but i love that i don't have to do anything at your place but sit there and look pretty, which i'm fully capable and qualified to do. just need an answer, yes or no?" well, they said, "well fat-as*. get off the phone and get a job because you're not getting one here."

actually, the interchange between both of us was not like that. but i sent another email and said, i'll wait...PLEEAAASEEEEE give me a job.

**************************

people have been coming up to the desk to ask for applications. it seems that they really want to work here. they are just tooooo excited for my taste. i need someone gloomy and disassociated from the real world. at least that way, i'll know that the library will be taken care of. you know, a little fire here, a prank call every so often, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!!!

well, wish me luck. good luck to those of you taking finals already. more power to you.

so it seems that i'm a quite a pickle. MAN! you can't help but love people that want to help you. thanks "V"!!!!

i can't help but feel like i'm drowning at this point. all i need is a quick plan of action. just my head is trying to keep me afloat, which is weird because the head is the heaviest part of MY body:) you see, a pun, i have a big head? anyway, at least i can still joke.

what do you think of ebay? should i try selling some stuff on it? is it worth it? hey matt, i have several comics to sell. want 'em?

anyway, i always bounce back from this kind of malarckie (yes, yes! spelling! i know!)

well, here's mud in your eye. wish me luck!

Cavalry battle (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Mexican soldiers in firing line (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

The Legendary Sam Houston (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Mexican Soldiers posing for a pciture (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

"Twin Sisters" from Cinncinati, Ohio (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Mexican Soldier (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Texican Camp (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Mexican Camp (San Jacinto Battle Reenactment, 2006) 

Movie Review: HOSTEL

OH MY GOD!!!!! That movie is the most horrible of all horror movies. It surpasses Texas Chainsaw Massacre by a long shot when it comes to blood and gore. It actually makes me want to stay away from Europe all together. I never want to go to Slovakia because I won't get any sleep. I'll be constantly afraid for my life. I don't want any American to go because they fair a pretty good fare out there (wow, all that rhymed). The movie starts off with every guys Euro Trip asperation: to get laid. And it all goes down hill from there. That movie should just be band and burned; It's just to graphic! Well, that's my movie review.

so, i'm here, about to go to work. don't really feel like being here. would rather be at home, asleep, or watching cable that a cable guy fixed for me. anyway, i'm in a crappy mood. has anyone out there felt extremely alone? has anyone felt that LIFE has rejected them and their ideas? has anyone felt like crying, screaming and breaking things for no apparent reason? i feel like throwing myself off a bridge and it would be possible because i feel as if no one would care. then again, according to matt, the reason i can say something like that is because i don't beleive that. so, really, i do believe people would miss me. so in reality, i just crave attention, i guess. so what does that say about me? what kind of person does that make me? i must be a terrible person to think something like that because if i was to throw myself off a bridge to make someone care about me...well...that's just wrong on so many levels.

sometimes i feel like i want toooo much! i want, but at the same time, i don't want to impose. i don't want anyone to feel obligated to me. that's just wrong for the other people. a person shouldn't do something because it's expected of them or because they HAVE to. a person should do things that they want to do. if they want to, DO IT! that's my philosophy. a person shouldn't be forced to do something and a person shouldn't have to settle. i had that conversation with someone a while back. there are two types of people that pertains to this discussion: settler and settled upon. the settled upon is always the lucky bastard. the settler is the one that, by one reason or another, was forced to do something that they didn't want to do(HELLO, the whole concept of settling is someone making due with what they got). we know my philosophy on this, ladies and gentlemen. so what happens? well, everything goes to hell. it's like forcing a square peg into a round hole; it doesn't mesh.

as humans go, we want to mesh. we want that special connection. we want that "dare to be" situation. we want love, compassion, desire, intimacy, etc. we want to be the center of attention (or at least off center). we dream of being the ones dancing instead of the wall flower. I guess this entire blog should be about the anti-social, social problem person. is that where i stand? is that all i am: the person that has social issues? i can be the wall flower AND i do want to be the one dancing. i do want to be the center of attention. i do want the "dare to be". is that why i feel lousy?

i have what i want so what more do i want? is it want or is it need? what distinguishes one from the other? if you want something badly enough, it becomes a necessity. doesn't it? do i even know what the f*ck i'm talking about? i guess that last one is a rhetorical question because if i did, i wouldn't be writing it down in this blog. i'd be content with life. i'd be cheery and delighted with life instead of in this emo-psycho phase.

sometimes, life's a struggle. sometimes humans get up in the morning to do their required rounds. then they return to their domicile and wait for the next Sun rise. Sometimes humans wait for a special day when they don't have to be routine. a break in the pattern is always healthy, i think. i wish my headache would go away, but alas, that'll never happen. i was messed up in middle school and given that it's been with me this long, it'll always be there as a reminder to NOT LOWER MY HEAD.

referring to what matt said, i wait for hell, because that's where i'm going and since matt says that in saying that (according to some philosopher) i really don't beleive in hell, in which case, i don't beleive in heaven, in which case, i don't beleive in god. so, what do i wait for? is it plainly death that i wait for? or maybe i beleive in saying that i'm going to hell, i truly beleive i'm going to heaven, and just say that as a way to give myself some kind of false hope. that it's a reverse psychological dare to god. that if we stood in front of each other, i would say, you're sending me to hell and he would reply, no you're not...you're going to heaven!? in which case, sticking with my disorder, i'm basically saying that i crave attention. that in saying that i'm going to hell is actually a cry for someone to say that I'M NOT!

it seems that being raised alone, with my sister gone, has given me the mentality of a lonely child. i want...i want...i want!!! i never wanted to be that person. i never wanted to be that spoiled kid that always wanted. does that mean that everything i do has that obligatory understatement? i REALLY don't want to be that person either. so, how evil am i?

i'm sooo tired! i don't want to think anymore. i want to return to the CAVE and spit in plato's eye and imprison myself in my bonds. i'm tired of codes that i don't feel are right. some are just so outdated. i'm tired of questioning life when life would be so much simplier if you lived it, instead of trying to understand it. theist or atheist, right or wrong, left or right, reality or imagination...what does it matter when you breathe toxins? this world is too hard without adding the unanswerable questions. so why do we still ask these questions? what is it about these questions that affect us so much? what truth lies at the end of the equations? i may want to return to my bonds, but i know that i can't. i know that no matter how badly i want to return to them, i'd seek the truth behind the shadows. i'd crave the light and the provider of the light. why do i speak when i should be silent?

Victim of severe beating. This is Texas justice at its worst. Witnesses say they didn't see anything because they were blindfolded. There are no leads. 

i'm watching "the ten commandments" right now and something odd struck me. moses was destined to be pharoah, but chooses to dawn the life of a slave when he finds out the truth about himself. wouldn't it have been easier to stay the secret until his "uncle" bit the dust and gave moses the throne? then, he could have ramses assassinated and he could then free the slaves? that sounds so much easier and quicker. there would be no desert wandering, at least for him, and no loss in stature. so that's what i began to think while watching the damn movie. missed the new version but i heard that i didn't miss much. the old movie has better graphics. anyway, the movies on again.

how i ended up at the tea house is a mystery to me. first, i started my aimless drive after cafe artiste. i planned nothing. i was going no where. the only place i knew i wasn't going to was home. then, there was an accident on 59 and I-10 and before i knew it, i was heading down I-10 to new orleans. how and why, i don't know. it was something to do, i guess. i was driving, and that's all i knew. i got to san jac mall and decided that maybe new orleans was too far for the time of day. actually, i really don't know why i stopped. i was searching for something out there, but what it is, i don't know. i ended up bying "v" a shirt. only when i drive do i not have thoughts racing in my head. there is nothing there but the road. i had to come back. don't know why. but i had to.

now, i'm here at the tea house and i ordered a "non-free" drink. i had the entire card stamped, but the register only pays for about 4 dollars worth. i had to pay the remainder 30 cents. can't say it's a rip off because it's not. great drink. brings back old memories. i remember a time when matt first told me about it and dlc started coming here before texas history. it was either here or shipley's. time goes on, ladies and gentlemen.

i here the ring of the bell. it tolls the next chapter of the next book of the next series. what else can be said besides being here at the tea house and not knowing where else i'm bound to be. i'm bound to be exactly where i don't want to be until i am exactly where i'm supposed to be. until then, wander....wander....wander the streets and the dirt roads until the search is finally over.

so, i'm here at cafe artiste again. my only enjoyment is watching this guy at the next table use his horrible table ettiquete, eat his food. the enjoyment i long for, well, let's just say that everyone else is getting phone calls, but i, i sit here with my buddy at the next table.

i've been told i have asshole-ish potential. here, i've been thinking i only had insensetive potential. this entire time, i've been decieving myself. anyway, sometimes i really do wish i had that potential. people wouldn't have to worry about you. em-j wouldn't have worried about me breaking my neck when we used to handstand on the academic mall. she would egg me on, hoping that i would. i wouldn't feel displaced while sitting here, alone while everyone else is content with their day and their tochy-feely crap. the latter part of that sentence i throw at this couple by the book shelves where the guy is touching the girl on the small of her back and she gives him no attention what-so-ever. you can see that he wants her to turn towards him and give him a kiss, but alas, she looks more miserable thinking than i do. why is it that we see these people when we least need or want to? why care about emotion? why want to show it? i actually feel for the guy. he's trying his best to get attention from her, only to get rejected.

Ooops! looks like the guy just said something the girl didn't like.

the guy across from me, at the next table has moved on to his sandwich. before, it was only his chips, but now, hell, it's like a train wreck...you know you shouldn't look, but the bodies force you to look.

anyway, why am i here? i want to waste time, but i really don't want to waste time! i want to do stuff but don't want to do stuff. i really don't want to read. i don't want to research. i just want to walk with sand between my toes. i want aroz con leche.

atleast the music is happy.

i forgot to tell you that "V" did something for me that was truly helpful. we all know that i've been "supposedly" doing a thesis paper to graduate. well, i've printed out a couple of sections of civil war records and have been meaning to bind them, but i always forget them here or just forget to bother. anyway, yesterday, she asked me for the papers and she bound them at work. isn't that sooo cool?

so, how many of you all got those "Missing" messages from me dealing with a cousins neice? TRUE! don't worry, it's all true, but also, she's back at home. safe and sound. just a warning. for those of you with kids and those of you about to have kids and those of you who plan on kids; don't hold the reigns too tightly. when they reach a certain age, if they are trust worth, let them prove it to you. let them go out with friends, but give a curfew. if they break curfew or if they do something that makes you not trust them any more, ground them. there are other stipulations and other things that can be added or amended to this, but in all, allow kids to go out or else they'll RUN AWAY WITHOUT LETTING YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE GOING AND WASTING TAX PAYERS MOMEY AND FREAKING THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT. honestly, i may like to see family members faces on milk cartons but don't let it be because of something stupid like this. the story from the home front is that the neice wasn't allowed to go out of the house AT ALL and so, she split with a female friend and told no one about it.

so, i'm here at cafe artiste and was wondering, does it close early on thursdays? anyway, the guy is doing his rounds with a cigarette in his mouth and all i want to do is follow him around and let him blow on my face with that sweet smell of tar. as you can tell, i've done it again. i've taken to not smoking. this will be my second official day without a cigarette. i was tested last time. tricky! but failed the test. anyway, some people just want to test you and they know exactly how. so, i'm craving right now. i've never said i was a strong man. never said that i'd be able to kick the addiction. i wanted to, and for a time there i thought i had. turned out i hadn't. i guess it'll never go away. never start smoking, ladies and gentlemen. aside from depression, breathing problems and NOT being beautiful on the inside, it's just not worth the hastle.

so, like i said, i'm at cafe artiste. sitting here. i'm supposed to read this book and then right on the british imperialistic undertone of the book. i just don't know if i'm supposed to use sources or just the book. i can pretty much use the book alone and give my own interpretation, but after the last paper and the way the prof. wanted it, i'm somewhat confused as to what he wants. so, i'll search for reviews on the book and try to write someone elses stuff and forget that i have any kind of original thoughts in my head.

hey, did i mention i was at cafe artiste?

i was supposed to tell you something. something very important, but have forgotten. better luck next time, i guess. if i remember, i'll let you know. until then, have a good easter break.

i'm starting to think i should give up on this blog thing. i read other's blogs and realize that i really don't have anything useful to say. i tell you about my day and how it sucked, and that's about it. nothing really interesting. i don't have a life, so there's really nothing to talk about. the one thing that would have been my bandwagon was the immigration thing, but even that has died down. so what does that say about me? what kind of person doesn't have things to say that would be benefitial to the human race? what kind of person has nothing to say about the days he spends watching nothing and learning nothing? am i a hermit? can i be labelled as such?

anyway!

interview went great. didn't freak out as much as i did over the fbi one. then again, i had invested a lot of energy into that interview that it hit me like a rock. now, it doesn't matter what happens, just as long as i get a job. other than that, my semester has pretty much gone to hell in a hand basket. actually, that's the second handbasket i have mentioned in all these months. if only anyone really cared. instead, i sit here and wonder what can bring me back from the edge. and what i want, i can't have. the edge is there. i'm there. and at times it seems that everyone else is playing games far away from the freaking edge. distant drums and laughter. i can see, but can't touch. i can taste, but not like. it's like that reeves/pacino movie "devil's advocate". be careful! DOOON'T FAAAALLLL IIINNNNN!!!!! Oops! Too late.

so i have an interview today. it's a financial firm that handles words that i don't understand completely. anyway, not really anxious about the interview. i was told that after a while, you just get used to it. i'm thinking that that is pretty sound reasoning. i hope i get it because it seems all they want is someone with word and excel skills, of which i have. if there's something i don't know, i can pretty much pick it up quick.

how has everyone been? haven't heard from ya'll in a long while. i'm starting to think that you were all a figment of my imagination. i'm scared because if that was true, and you all dissappeared, then there must be something wrong in my head like a tumor or something. not funny? well!

anyway, i'm just here at home listening to swing on aol. i'm kind of drawzy but that's about it. nothing really pressing.

well, hope you all have a good day or something to that effect.

PROTECT YOURSELVES, PEOPLE!!!!!
So, several days ago, I tried using my checkcard and it was declined. I called my financial institution to try to remedy the problem but found that I couldn't select an option because I was on my cell phone. So, today, I decided to call using a land line and I talked to the person about my issue. She told me that what happened was that everyone in my financial institutiion has this "fradulent" protection thingy that automatically cancels a card. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I've never had this happen to me before. In all my years as a card carrier, I've never been flagged. I even used it in London and Paris; Never flagged. So how is it that I come under the jurisdiction of these financial morons that decide that day was the day to flag my card? Well ladies and gentlemen, I TRIED TO USE MY CARD AT A TOY'S-R-US!!!!!

Stay away from Toys-r-us! They are an evil institution that want to sell you cheap toys for the happiness of your children. They want to drain the system and take over the world by corrupting the minds of children.

Jeez!!! Anyway, problem fixed.

I just couldn't understand. Well, hope everyone's day is going well.