i spoke with a dark figure tonight and he said, "beware! beware!"

i spoke with myself and said, "be weary! be weary!"

there was no reason for such warnings and there were no signs. there were doves in the trees swaying in a clear blue sky. feelings of joy mingled with anxiety and longing. emotional distress and psychological acuteness. a confusion of being and not. a refusal to acknowledge the obvious and disturbing sights. denial and cunundrums mixed in the world that i grew froom my own mind to survive. TO SURVIVE!

did it work? no! HELL NO!

nothing works in my world anymore. empty solitude. a yearning without reproach. a desire without channel or station. nowhere to go.

reaching out of the hand to empty cold air. reaching out of the soul to swarm with the angels, yet, no...NO!

how can i survive alone? is there such a thing after so long? i wish to say not. i wish to say nah!

walking on the white sands along the crystal blue water in a far off island near nowhere. the Sun above shining brightly upon the head as the palm trees sway with a cool breeze. my world. my world that has left me to die in this cold forsaken emptiness in a land that is not my own. a land where the bad is good and the good is bad. confused moral survitude with slavery. where my heart goes, so goes my nation and that nation has abandoned me to this.

blue is no longer blue.

Fire, wincing from the moonlight that envelopes my soul. It stretches from horizon to my chamber, only to leave me cold and empty. I struggle with the emptiness that surrounds me and whispers in my ear the endless evils of the world, inticing me to leave and never return to the Sun that lingers outside my door. Why must it be this way?

I don't know.

Ice clings to the shingles of my home. I feel the coldness flow through to my feet. It covers me and keeps me warm from the extremeness of longitudinal despair. I cry to only feel the warm tear drops on my skin as I yell in a whisper to avenge my sickness. Why must it be this way?

Do you care?

Sorrow...Deprevity...Desire...Consumption...Denial...Worry

Emotionlessness servitude that clings to my honor and removes my ability to breathe. I cry in silence. I hurt in silence. I yearn in silence. I laugh in solitude. It has become my way of expression. It has turned my soul to the catylist of all my anguish. The soul that used to care for me, no longer functions, leaving the body to fend for itself.

These words are nothing more than empty vessels. They have no meaning. They have no recourse. They stand alone in a room filled with millions of faces that turn away, leaving the impression of spirit and faceless wonders. I cling to them only to learn their identity does not exist.

I shutter to think. I yearn to know.

i had a good brithday yesterday. besides work, which i had to do yesterday, i also went to dinner with V and Sol and Sol's mom and a niece and a cop (don't ask). anyway, we ate, and a waitress sang happy birthday along with the group mentioned. after dinner, and after some down time, V and i went to see Sixteen Candles at the Theatre. we got there an hour before time so we spent it in the bar upstairs drinking red wine (yes, you heard correctly, i drank red wine. no Jesus jokes please!). i felt...oddly appreciated. almost as if i was the center of attention yesterday. i felt warm inside, and crap like that. maybe it was the wine. anyway, that's my birthday story.

it's been a while since i felt that relaxed and comfortable. dare i say, i almost felt happy:)

i've been up since about 730am. drove mom to san antonio last night. we left houston about 830pm or so. i had already mentioned this to her, but mothers seem to disregard what their children tell them, but i was just dropping her off. i was coming back to houston afterward. so, we arrived at my sisters home about midnight and by 1230am i was on my way back, after a thirty minute hastle-fest with my mother about rest and stuff. i really didn't want to stick around their place. i just wanted to hurry home.

i started getting sleepy and the cokes i had weren't working. i wanted to talk to some one but everyone was asleep at two in the morning, so i had to settle for the next best thing when driving on a freeway, going about 80 mph: i had to jam out to System of a Down. i had tried frank sinatra but he made me sleepy and even made me a little more depressed. that's pretty much it. i got home around 400am and i'm oddly awake having gotten only three and a half hours of sleep. then again, i do have a headache.

work is going well, i've been training people and i'm not even a trainer. i hope i'm doing a good job. that place works your nerves sometimes. but hey, it's the easiest job possible. like someone said before, "all you have to do is sit there and push buttons, what's so difficult in that?" i was hoping for my birthday off. actually, i was hoping for my birthday weekend off so i could spend sometime with V, but too many people seem to want Friday the 21st. so, i'll settle for getting the sunday (23rd) off instead. that way, i'll have saturday, sunday and monday off.

had to go in a totally different direction when it comes to the thesis paper. i got rid of all the books i had and printed out three large primary source books from MOA. for now, all i'm doing is putting notes on important things and then i'll go from there. I'M SUCH A LOSER!!! i can't even get this done. oh well, my drive for life is gone. all i want to do now is survive. good luck...

what existence?!
to live and not live.
to cry and not cry.
to feel and not feel...

what existence?!
to love and not love.
to be and not be.
to frown and not frown...

sorrowing penetance and existence of nothingness. i flutter to not be when my emotions are befriended by the dark chill of emptiness. when the heart is destroyed by the lack of a glance and the touch of a hand. what does it all mean?

meanings lost in the jungle of the mind. the chaos that envelopes the mind and wringes it out in the desert sun to smoulder in the heat, left to evaporate into waves of heat.

blasphemies cried out on the lips of children as they rush over concrete barriers left behind by a generation of ungreatful children, lacking respect and honor.

what honor?!

this is my life: confusion and destruction, tied with the rope of lies and deceit.
sweet words on their lips, bitter acceptance on my ears. befriend the unconscious mind and tell me...tell me something that sounds good.

that is my existence.

Aah!
What a web! What a web!
Where is it that we shed, when nothing more can be said?
Aah!
A lonely bed! A lonely bed!
Who has bled and now lays dead?
Aah!
Painful head! Painful head!
Who had led that girl to wed?

Empty shadows in the garden. The colors slowly seeping out of the roses and into the drains that sit by the dandy-lions. Oops! Wait!

What lurks in the garden that removes the colors from the roses? I fear to ask! I fear to know. What else can it be but...

Wait!

The spider, on its cobweb. The lizard, perched on its corner. The mouse scurries on the wood flooring.

But!?

What am I but a fly. In the corner left to die. In the window sill of pain. Reading to you in the rain. Laughing empty laughs out loud. Looking for you in the crowd. Down below me as I sit. Smoking the cigarette I just lit.

Where are my thoughts here? Where do thoughts begin and emotions end? Where does the consciousness come from? WHy not ask why the sun comes up in the morning and not at night. Why not ask why the sky isn't green instead of blue.

Nothing here but the beer. Nothing there but the stare.

Good NIght!!!!!!!!! God loves you!!!!!!!!!

Signed: RoaM

it seems that my public wants me to continue writing about nothing at all. work is going well. helping people does get tiring. and you thought i had learned my lesson after doherty library! HA!

still haven't finished my thesis. can't say i've been working on it. well, i just started working on it again. again, anyway!

i've been trying to get myself on solid ground again. can't seem to catch my balance. it just doesn't feel right anymore. i started this venture with high hopes but the documents i've been reading just don't make sense anymore. i can't put one and one together. turns out i'm going to try a different way to my conclusion. maybe american/irish history professor doesn't mind or even figures out what i've done.

i haven't written anything lately. just haven't had the energy or will to do so. nothing comes to my mind. it's not like it was ever good but it sure was interesting. you know, in a messed up way.

we'll see when i'm done with this thing how it turns out.

for all those of you who i haven't talked to in a while, WHY NOT?

anyway, how were those classes? how'd you make out? email or call me. if i'm not at work, i'll answer. we need to go out some time. i'm tired of thinking.